Being the Support

In my last post I mentioned that my husband is an alcoholic and is in the detoxing process. This is a fantastic thing. Now before you get it in your head that he’s this Hollywood movie version of an alcoholic that sits in front of a blaring tv with a beer gut yelling “woman, get me a damn beer!” and I’m this haggard woman with a child on her hip trying to keep the house and everything else from falling apart…. Its not like that.

More often than not, alcoholics are fully functioning people ……. To a degree. They can only function for so long before the alcoholism catches up with them. Usually they find a level they can maintain normal functioning that calms their demons, helps them function “normally”, whatever their reason is for their addiction whether it be ptsd, anxiety, depression, racing minds, you name it. However, that level slowly doesn’t work as well, especially when there are bad episodes or weekends, parties, social events, basically any excuse. Because trust me, they will use ANY excuse to over indulge.

Alcohol becomes their best friend, their pacifier. So just like when you take away a toddler’s pacifier, when you take away an alcoholic’s beer they throw tantrums. There are various forms of tantrums just like in children. Mood changes from sullen and quiet to explosive rage and back again. They don’t always understand what’s going on inside of themselves any more than you do, and really, sometimes I think they understand it less. They’re finally forced to deal with unaltered reality which can be a very scary thing.

My husband has totally turned into a tantrum throwing toddler. Any little thing goes wrong and he throws a fit. “I don’t wanna” I find myself using my mommy tactics on my husband more and more through this process. Obviously I don’t let him know this! 🙂 But it’s true.

Be calm do not react to their over-reactions. It will blow over. Most often they just need to vent for a moment. Sometimes I just get clarification if the **FUCK**!!! was for the video game or something else. 99% of the time it was for the video game and was just a release of over-reaction. Breathe in, breathe out, let it go.

Be Firm, you are in control. Medication times, meal times, and appointment times need to be kept firm. They’re going to fight pretty much all of it.

Medication will either make them feel too out of it, or they’ll feel that its not working so why take it.

Due to everything going on in their bodies, meals are often the last thing on their minds, but usually very very important. At the beginning they don’t want any food. Then they want munchies. Then as you start getting them on schedule with regular meal schedules with healthy balanced meals and the alcohol out of their systems, they start looking forward to regular meals. I don’t know how many times I heard “I’m not hungry” but made him eat anyways then after the small plate he was going back for seconds!

Appointments, ugh. They just don’t want to go, but this is so important to make sure they go. Just like it’s important for your toddler to go to their well-check appointment, it’s important for your alcoholic to go to their appointments whether they like it or not.

But most of all, love them, listen to them, stay by them, and support and praise their progress towards getting sober. The reason they take so much of their tantrums out on you is because they feel safe with you. (just like your toddler who is awesome possum sauce for the baby sitter and a tiny terrorist for you) They know you’ll stay, and they’re counting on that. They need a safe zone where they won’t be judged, where they’ll be loved regardless of what’s going on. Acknowledge that there will likely be back slides, but as long as there are continual forward progress and with a support system (DO NOT BE THE SUPPORT ALONE!) just be there for them.