Life is full of ups and downs. Just when you think you’ve got a handle on it, life is quick to remind you it’s been playing this game far longer than you’ve been alive. I was feeling like Chronic Super Mom. Obviously not the a normal Super Mom with a perfectly clean house, makeup and hair done, but hey, I think still rank up there in the chronic mom world.
Raising 3 boys, homeschooling them, having a small quilting business, walking a mile every night so the boys can play at the park and then doing the archery events thoughout the summer. I felt like I was managing. Some days were better than others. That’s life as a chronic mom. But then life screeched to a halt. My happy whatever you want to call it came crashing down and I all I want to do is disappear. Its taken everything in me, all my years of experience with depression and fighting anxiety to keep from becoming that person again. 8 years ago when life crashed around me I didn’t have anyone who depended on me but last time I didn’t have support, this time I do.
So part of the story, you already know if you follow my blog. For those of you who don’t, you can catch up here. Two days after my husband gets out of detox and still fully within the 7 first days of withdrawal, I have a doctor appointment which I assume will be normal. I did a UA (urinalysis) and signed a new pain contract two weeks before so that I can keep getting my Norco. No big deal. I’ve been doing this for over 10 years without any problems, 7 with this doctor. I go in, and my doctor with the UA results accuses me of taking “high levels of Darvocet”. A drug, a narcotic, that I have NEVER in my LIFE taken before. Not even after my accidents. Not at the hospitals. Never. Ensue full blown panic attack. I stammer through telling her all this, while she is telling me that I need to be honest with her, and perhaps even myself. My husband, tells her straight up “I’m the addict, trust me, if she had drugs like that, I would have known about it, she doesn’t lie well enough to hide anything” I try to smile, but can’t through the tears as I realize that it doesn’t matter what I say. I’m a chronic pain patient….. I’m a “drug addict” a “pill seeker” and according to the medical system the labs never get anything wrong, it’s always the patient lying. I knew where this was headed but had to try. I asked for a re-sample. I knew I was clean, just like I always was. They did that, but that trust had been broken. 7 years with my doctor and the trust is gone.
I saw her today and I was no longer at ease with my doctor. I didn’t want to go. Just like I knew it would be, my re-test came back clean but according to them they can’t discount the original because why would the labwork be false (ever heard of a false positive?) So. Where to go from here. No more pain medication. Last week while I was waiting on the results I had a meltdown and spoke with the clinics in-house counselor because I didn’t know what to do. I’m out of options at this point. They say insurance is going to cover acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, physical therapy etc. However………………………. Finding providers who actually work with Oregon Health Plan is basically impossible and extremely time consuming. I have 3 kids who can’t shut the F up when I’m on the phone, so I don’t have time to spend hours calling around trying to find someone who might be able to get me in sometime next month or next year if I’m lucky. (oh yeh, the pain specialist, got approved to see them….. They’re not taking new clients until January…. Lot of good that does me until then) anyways. Basically, I have done everything, tried everything, doing everything and the only left for me is to think positive.
I know that it is supposed to help your own well being and all that. But when you need real solutions the last thing you want to be told is keep a positive outlook on things. Needless to say, I’m not coping well. I’m scared for the future. I’m scared I won’t be able to be a good enough mom, even a good enough chronic mom. I’m scared that I’m going to be crying myself to sleep every night because I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep. Because that’s where I’m at right now.
Hang in there with me guys. I’m sorry my writing had been all over the place. I keep having all these post ideas running through my head but the pain jumbles everything up so much that I can’t get things written out the way I like then I get frustrated with it and it ends up either sitting half written or stuck in my head bouncing around. I have a camping with kids one that really really needs to come together cause in my head it’s AWESOME! But it’s just not working out yet well enough with pictures and layout etc. It will happen. Ok. Enough rambling. I’m going to bed.