Today Took Me Back

At points throughout our illnesses we have highs and we most certainly have lows. Many lows. Yet, we’re amazingly resilient and climb and claw our ways out of despair time and time again.

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Most days I manage on a Meh Level. I’m existing. I’m functioning (my version, not a healthy persons). But that’s about it. Other days I’m able to feel like Super Mom and well, almost “normal”. But then life has a way of reminding me, I”m far from normal. Though, if you ask my husband, its the only reason he married me. “I don’t want normal, I want you” Today was a crashing day. A day that took me back to high school.

It started out badly, like most awful days. Its rarely one bad thing, its usually “the straw that broke the camels back”. Today there was lots of straw. Findlay has been On-One. Any parent will understand.
He climbs me like he wants up, yet he won’t sit still (squirmy wormy), put him down and he won’t play with his toys he only wants everything he can’t have like a normal child. Remember the last post where I said he’s into everything? Yeh, so I’m constantly chasing him around. Kellan has been super whiny and fighting about everything. I think its because he’s still a bit sick, and while I”ve been super patient because of that, its taking a lot of energy out of me. Damien doesn’t want to share (totally normal but it leads to fights and is something we’re working on).  Hubby sleeps till 10:30 or later if I don’t wake him so its all me in the morning. Mornings are bad. They’re painful and I simply don’t like mornings. Finances are so tight its not funny. We’ve got money coming…… between 3 custom quilts, and Brent’s going on a business trip with lots of overtime hours and incentives. Yay. We just have to make it until it comes in.

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Wearing Theraspecs

So here’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. Headed out to my Pain Specialist appointment with full hope, they had moved the appt up from January, they were going to assess me Yay. Reality, the Migraine I had woken up with (like about every other morning, I’ve had 15 in the past 30 days) was poundin at my head. Theraspecs to the rescue yet again. Sitting there with huge windows letting in the random sun break, staring at this ever changing colored desk (would have been cool without a migraine I’m sure) I still managed to hold my hope. Filled out my extensive history. They took me back into a FREEZING room! OMG, so cold! Doc came in, asked questions and of course… POKED AND PRODDED. Ugh. OUCH like big OUCH. Here’s the part where I turned back into the scared 16-17 yr old with full depression. Doc said that I have severe fibromyalgia  (small yay, its not all in my head), ok, so I know I have Fibro, but it was good to hear I have severe fibro. But that’s where the good stopped. He looked over all the medications my doctor and I have tried, no go there. He looked at all the treatment options, again, nothing I haven’t tried. He’s going to recommend new xrays since its been over 10 years, and referral for water therapy, another haven’t  done in over 10 years. He’s not confident that my insurance will even approve those. The kicker? He says that my neck and back pain that i consider so much worse than the fibro pain, is actually because of the fibro. He said that other than xrays and possible water therapy, there’s nothing else that he can do. No other treatments. No medications. No relief. When I was 16/17, I heard over and over, “I understand you’re in pain and can see you’re in pain, but I dont know what’s causing it”. Now I”m getting  “we know what’s wrong with you, but we can’t fix it, and we can’t minimize it”

I just want to cry. I want some pain relief. I want to be able to keep up with my 3 active boys (without getting really irritated because I”m hurting).
I spent my last $3 until payday (next week) on cream of mushroom soup and sour cream so I could make a really good dinner that the boys didn’t eat. Changed Findlay’s yuckbutt diaper and realized we had 5 diapers and maybe 10 or 15 wipes left. Full blown, drag me down depression ensued. I didn’t want to be a mom. I didn’t want to be anything. I wanted to curl up in bed and cry.

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So I sit here venting, crying, and eating butterscotch chips which you can’t tell because I ate them. I really want M&M cookies or Molasses Crinkles or I dunno. But its the only sweets in the cupboard.

Here’s to a better tomorrow.

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